I’ve seen countless articles about how meditation and other self-care routines can help us cope with the stress, overwhelm, and depression caused by the COVID pandemic, and I’ve read a lot of them. While I am an advocate for mental health, wellness, and taking back control of our health, these articles frustrate me.
The Wellness Industry is broad and includes everything from skincare to exercise gadgets to mindfulness. But the defining characteristic is not the what - the product or service offered - it’s the why. Why buy the product or change your routine? The selling proposition of the Wellness Industry is that you will feel better, and quickly.
I grew up in Alaska around a lot of mountains and the path to being a healthy human is rather like hiking mountain after mountain throughout our lives. The Wellness Industry seems to be saying they know the quickest way to climb the mountain and then stay on the peak.
But does it really work that way, especially during a personal and global upheaval like the COVID-19 pandemic?
The wrong way to climb
You see, meditation, self-care, and mental health in our culture are mostly presented through the individualized frame, with individual solutions, not a structural or societal one. Yet aren’t anxiety and depression perfectly reasonable reaction to isolation, unemployment, or being unsure how you will make rent? Instead of turning our attention to solving the underlying societal, economic, or structural issues that lead to human suffering, individualized wellness is a red herring that takes our attention away from the questions we should be asking. Most cynically, it capitalizes on human suffering without actually addressing the underlying causes of that suffering.
Take, for instance, this article about practicing mindfulness throughout your workday. It says, “Although COVID-19 has caused a tremendous amount of anxiety, distress, and confusion in many lives, there are ways we can ground ourselves to be mindful and present at work.” Also: “Meditation brings us back to the moment and helps us be less stressed, calmer, and kinder to ourselves and others. We have the power to control our emotions through observation and intentionality.” (emphasis added)
If kindness means controlling our emotions through inner detachment, that is not kindness. If caring for ourselves means leap-frogging anxiety so we can get back to work, that is not caring.
Approaching wellness as a shortcut to happiness neglects that suffering is part of our human experience and sometimes a perfectly rational response to conditions in our lives. Taking the “control our emotions” shortcut also robs us of the potential to learn from our experiences and make appropriate changes in our lives.
Follow the trail
Many mountain trails have switchbacks to control erosion. If you climb straight up the hillside, you might get to the top more quickly, but you’ve made the slope more vulnerable. During the next rainfall the water cuts across the trail, eats away at the hillside to dislodge rocks, and weaken trees. Perhaps eventually the hillside becomes so compromised that climbing it is dangerous and difficult and it takes a careful and consistent effort to rebuild the trail.
If we take shortcuts to feel better, we are slowly eating away at our capacity to handle future challenges. Although we might “control our emotions” and achieve temporary relief, the next time life brings a massive rainstorm, feeling better is a bit harder. Quick fixes carve deeper and deeper into the natural ways we have to deal with difficult situations; the trail we can use to navigate life’s challenges. We ignore our body’s natural ability to care for itself, we neglect the support others could offer, and we forget natural human skills and behaviors to deal with difficulty - how to be still, how to grieve, how to imagine and create.
This trail may take longer, but it is safer and teaches us about ourselves. Also, some slopes are so steep they can’t be tackled head-on and the indirect approach is the only way to move forward.
So, what if you are anxious and confused because COVID is reframing what is important and your job, therefore, lost the purpose it used to have? Following “the trail” means exploring that loss of purpose to listen to how your values and priorities are changing and, therefore, what you truly wish for your life.
What if you are stressed because you had your hours cut and you aren’t sure how you will make rent? Of course, there are ways you can personally cope with that scary scenario, but following “the trail” may put your situation into perspective and suggest that our society’s failure to protect ordinary people is more responsible for your suffering than your morning routine or sleep hygiene.
Let’s practice wellness that doesn’t bypass human suffering and eat away at our capacity to handle future challenges. Let’s build the heart, self-knowledge, and strength to turn towards whatever pain or disillusionment is in our experience.
Let’s also practice wellness that isn’t about subtle (or not so subtle) self-attack. We can resist attributing depression, anxiety, or sadness to weaknesses in our personal psychological make-up. “If I was different, I wouldn’t feel this way.” In the guise of caring for ourselves, we can actually tear ourselves apart.
A view from the peak
I don’t have all the answers, but I’ll share what I have learned from my own experience and from others along the way. There are two fundamental shifts. The first is in how we relate to ourselves. The second is in how we relate to the world and our social context.
First, we relate to ourselves with kindness and self-compassion. I am very inspired by the work of Kristin Neff and Chris Germer to study, articulate, and teach self-compassion. Their approach is about embodying kindness as both a moment-to-moment way of relating to your experience and as a self-intervention when you are in crisis. We don’t pay lip service to “kindness” and “self-compassion”. Instead, through feeling and embodying, we transform how we relate to ourselves and how we respond to situations in our lives.
But not all pain and suffering can be resolved by being kinder to ourselves. Humans are social animals and we are profoundly impacted by our immediate environment and larger social context. The second shift is that we have the confidence and self-respect to say something along the lines of “this is not just mine”. We avoid collapsing back on ourselves because we despair at being able to influence the world that affects us. We are able to non-aggressively place the right amount of responsibility on others in our lives, the company we work for, or our social, environmental, economic, and political context. The ability to distinguish between what is ours and what is not springs from a kind, compassionate, and thorough understanding of how we feel.
Bravery is a constant companion. We need bravery to truly care for ourselves and feel how we feel. Bravery is also necessary to stand in self-respect and say that the loss of a job, racial injustice, the failure of the social safety net, or the extensive destruction of the planet is more responsible for our “bad mood” than any personal failing.
And, in fact, feeling sad and outraged might be the sane response to 2020. But by following the trail of genuine self-care, now we’re able to feel how we feel, find perspective, and do something about it.